phil jacobsen


Antarctica Version 4.0

Need I say more. This is my fourth time coming to Antarctica and I know it all. So, on my first day off from work, I suited up into what I call my “System” and took a hike.

            My system is a flawless layering system comprised of clothing so high tech, NASA hasn’t even invented it yet. I have socks for my socks and underwear that is more fun to wear than Underoos. Clark Kent was just a glasses wearing dweeb, but underneath his tweed his uniform transformed him into Superman. Well, he learned that from me.

            You might just see a guy in a jacket and Carharts, but beneath my clothing is some super wear for this super man. Nothing I’m wearing on my body is an accident and everything serves a purpose.

The first year I worked in Antarctica, I wore a knit cap and second degree frostbite on my ears. This being my fourth trip to The Ice (you can tell I’ve been here often by the use of my vernacular—‘The Ice’ = Antarctica) I don a cap called a “Wind Stopper.” The difference between a knit cap and a Wind Stopper is kind of like the difference between a Frat Party and an Intimate evening with your lover whereas Frat = Wind and Lover = Ears.

            The second time I landed in MacTown I learned to shed Big Red. Big Red is a jacket large enough to cover Paul Bunyan with pockets made to house Babe the Blue Ox. My “System” does not have room for a jacket of this size. The only people who wear Big Red are Newbie first year dishwashers (like I was) or people who want to keep warm.

            It’s been said the third time is the charm. It was my third trip to Antarctica after leaving Cheech (Cheech = CHCH which equals Christchurch, New Zealand) I learned I had perfected “My System.”

            This being the fourth trip, I barely even had to think when I stepped off the back porch of dorm 208 to walk down to Robert F. Scott’s Discovery Hut. Everything had been perfected in seasons one, two and three. So, when it all went to shit, it was all part of the system.

            When I my glasses froze and frosted over, I said, “I knew that would happen. I’m an O.A.E. (O.A.E. = Old Antarctic Explorer).”

            As the center of my forehead began to feel like I’d just sucked down three Slurpees, I said “Bring it on cold Gods. The first Slurpee tasted like Coke, the second hinted of Orange and the third tasted like Apsley Cherry-Garrard. Suck it Scott.”

            Then, when I got to Hut Point, I received a phone call. This seemed strange since Sprint does not have service in Antarctica, but clearly the cell phone in my pocket was vibrating.

            Now, I’m looking forward to the fifth time I return to Antarctica. On my fifth sojourn to this Southern Continent I will perfect my “System.” The fifth time down here I will not wear a giant metal belt buckle that says, “Phil.” Metal belt buckle = Kryptonite in the System = Vibrating Leg and frozen grapes.

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