phil jacobsen

Catch-44

Delivering mail is like eating a pie. Every city is the pie and the pie is cut into pieces called a route. Each route is assigned a postal carrier and every postal carrier is supposed to eat their piece of the pie each and every day. On busy days eating your piece of the pie is like trying to put down dessert after Thanksgiving Dinner. You might think it’s impossible, but you do it. Besides, you don’t have to eat the whole pie, just your piece. For Thanksgiving you do it for the love of the pie; at the Post Office you do it because it’s your job.

Unless, you’re John.

John is fat and while he could probably be a professional pie eater, he is a lousy pie-eating mailman. I’m getting skinny because I have to eat his pie.

Since I am what’s called a “Temporary Employee (TE),” I’m told on a regular basis that if I can’t deliver an entire route then I will learn why they call my job “temporary.” It’s almost like my boss went to management school and only learned the phrase “Do this or you’ll get fired.”

But, there’s a catch, since postage rates are 44 cents for a first class envelope, I call it: Catch-44.

If you’ve worked for the Post Office as a regular carrier for five years, then you get post office tenure and you can’t get fired. Sometimes I wonder if this is why people at the post office “Go Postal.” They’ve heard there is an opening at the local prison mail room and since there boss can’t fire them or approve their transfer, they take matters into their own hands to get a job that is guaranteed for 25 years to life.

I’m not saying that John is a gun enthusiast, but he is enjoying the Catch-44 at the post office.

When I showed up for work today, I was told that I was getting two slices of pie. I would have to eat my whole piece of pie and a third of John’s pie too.

“Why,” I said, “Did John call in sick again?”

“No,” the boss said, “He’s here, but he claims his route is too large and he needs help.”

“I didn’t know we were allowed to that,” I said. “In that case, my route is too big and I want some help.”

“As a TE, if you can’t carry your route, then you’ll get fired.”

“But, I’ve carried John’s route. I’ve eaten his pie. It’s a delicious pie. It’s an easy pie to put down. If I can eat his pie, then he should be able to help me eat my pie.”

“You’re copulating with cashews, Jacobsen. You’re fucking nuts.”

“Let me see if I understand this,” I said. “If I can’t deliver his route in six hours then I would get fired.”

“Correct,” said the boss.

“But, if John can’t deliver the route in six hours, then that is okay?”

“Yes,” said the boss. “Because John has more experience than you do.”

“Shouldn’t he be faster since he has more experience?”

“Do this or you’ll be fired.”

So, I shut my pie hole, and delivered the mail.