phil jacobsen

If You Only Knew

Some people get so angry. They’re not mad about Haiti or the Senate race in Massachusetts. They don’t reach their boiling point because they only have .87 cents in their pockets when ordering from the dollar menu at McDonalds. Nope, if you really want to see someone lose their ordinarily cool, deliver a letter to the Johnson’s at the Smith’s residence.

The next day this letter will be placed in the mailbox with a scrawl across the envelope that reads, “Delivered to wrong address!!!!” Depending on how often the Johnson’s get the Smith’s mail is generally in direct proportion to the amount of exclamation marks on the envelope.

I like to play a game called, “More Exclamation Marks.” Usually when someone writes “Delivered to the wrong address” on an envelope, what they actually mean is “I’m sorry Mr. Postman, but this is the Johnson residence, and the Smith’s moved away last month. I understand the confusion—especially since we still have the Smith’s name on our mailbox. Please forward this letter.” However, since they wrote “Delivered to wrong address,” I check the address, see that it is correct and place it back in the mailbox.

The next day let the exclamation fireworks commence with a grand finale explosion of ALL CAPS!!!!!

Last week I had a guy chase me down the street because his name was not “Current Resident.” I really wish I was making this up and that Mr. Darwin was correct in deducing that people like Mr. Resident should no longer be living, but here was this man who single-handedly proved evolution does have its exceptions.

Speaking of exceptions, what would you do if you came up to a mailbox that read, “Except mail for Garcia, Stevens and Probst.” This statement left me frozen on the porch like I was pondering the sound—or lack of sound—of a tree falling in the forest. Do I only give them mail addressed to everyone “except” those three names? Or, if they meant “accept” instead of “except” did they also misspell the last names of the people who lived there? The next day, written on an envelope with a record number of exclamation marks, I deduced they meant “accept.”

So, what to do? If the people who lived in your house before you moved in were not very diligent in submitting a change of address, there is a postal secret. First: Write your name on your mailbox. Don’t put your name under the lid, because once the lid has been raised, the mail is going in. Write your name clearly on the outside of your mailbox with this secret word, “only.”

“Only” is the best word in a mailman’s vocabulary. “Only” means you have had problems getting mail that wasn’t yours. “Only” means please double check the mail. If you only have your name on the mailbox, this is a good first step, but this is only a good starting point. If I see “Smith” on a mailbox, but two letters are addressed to “Miller,” I’ll deliver both names. If I see “Smith—Only” on a mailbox, then the Miller’s mail will get returned to sender.

Next week’s lesson: Why Mr. Miller got so angry when he moved into the Smith’s basement!!!!!!!!!