phil jacobsen


Beware of the Cats of March

Note: I recently wrote a letter to the editor that appears and can be viewed by clicking here:  Salt Lake Tribune. The version that appears in print was heavily edited, so I’m presenting the unedited letter here:

Dear Editor:

Grandmas have them and so do secretaries. St. Patrick has one and Mother-in-Laws do too.

I’m talking days.

Lovers get Valentine’s Day and even my BFF gets a Friendship Day on the first Sunday of August. There is Bosses Day and even a National Day of Prayer (personally, Bosses Day and Prayer Day are redundant because God is the ultimate Boss). But, it’s giving February 2 to Groundhogs that makes me say, “When will cats get their day?”

Since cats are frisky and cute, give ultimate love and are this man’s best friend, I will speak for kittens everywhere and say, “Give us our day; Right Meow!”

I propose that March 12th of each and every year be dedicated to cats. Because March is the third month of the year and the letter “C” is the third letter in the alphabet. The letter “A” comes first and that gives us the “one” in twelve. Admittedly, the letter “T” is the 20th letter in the alphabet, but there is no such date as March 120th. I suppose if you were a practitioner of the Julian Day Calendar it would make sense to add “CAT” as “3 + 1 + 20” as in “C + A + T” and that would be “24” and according to the Julian Calendar this would be January 24th. But this, of course, is absurd.

January 24th is too close to New Year’s Day and Martin Luther King Day, it is also absurd to think anyone uses the Julian Calendar except for recluses using the Julian as a derivative-fractional-entity of the Mayan Calendar in order to calculate the end of the world (For those curious (like a cat) this will be June 19, 2012).

Much like the United States of America is not abbreviated “USOA,” because the innocuous “O” of “of” is as useless as the “0” in “20.” Ipso facto, I’m pleased to see we all agree that March 12 spells “CAT” and, therefore this will be their day.

To celebrate the day of CATs, the legislature first needs to get rid of rule #4.15.07.K9 that specifically prevents any resident of this state from housing more than five cats within the incorporated city limits. Anyone who owns one cat knows that the amount of love from one cat is only increased by a factorial of Meow! with each and every cat in addition to one. In fact, the Federation Uniting Cats and Kittens (horrible acronym; Great cause) is currently in a copyright infringement lawsuit with Lays Potato Chips over the slogan, “Bet you just can’t have one.”

March 12 is fast approaching, but we still have time to plan on booking Ted Nugent to headline the “Cat Scratch Fever” kick-off event. It should also be noted that during the Feline Fun Run that dog owners, pregnant ladies, organ transplant patients, children under 5, people with HIV/AIDs and people susceptible to Toxoplasmosis should not attend. While cats are superior with their ability to have 9 lives, people only get one. We’d hate for March 12 to turn into a Meow Day Massacre.

So, gather the healthy and get ready for Cat Day on March 12. Let’s all make a solemn meow to frolic with our felines.

Phil (Whiskers) Jacobsen

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